i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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