im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
