FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize