Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
