Ambien. No doubt about it.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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