I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
