My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
