Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize