Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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