You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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