Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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