Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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