Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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