After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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