The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
