You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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