I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
