One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
