Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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