Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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