Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
