I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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