I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
