Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
