i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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