I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
