don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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