Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
