is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
