Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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