Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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