Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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