I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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