u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
