best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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