This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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