i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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