I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
