Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
