my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
