im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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