ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
