I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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