he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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