I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
