Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
