She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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