I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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