All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
