I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
