You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
