eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
