Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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