You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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