I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
