so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
