we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
