He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
