Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
