so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
