It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
