my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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