I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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