I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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